One of the biggest barriers holding many of my clients back from doing what they need to do is fear of judgement. What if people think I’m stupid? Or acting above my station? Or I don’t have a right to be here? If this sounds like the voice in your head, read on.
It’s perfectly natural to care about what other people think. As Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius observed almost 2,000 years ago, “We all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.” This goes whether they are friends, strangers, or even enemies.
There’s certainly value in being aware of our impact on others. Social signals have long been recognised as an important tool to develop our moral compass and learn our sense of right and wrong.
But our awareness of others can become an overplayed strength, particularly when it stops us from putting ourselves out there and seizing opportunities to grow, pursue our interests and enjoy our lives.
Why do we care so much?
Survival instinct
Our need for approval can be traced all the way back to our ancestors, who relied upon social acceptance to survive. Being liked and respected earned them a place in a community, which could share resources, protect them from predators and provide a pool of potential mates. Put a foot wrong, and they would’ve been cast out and left to fend for themselves.
Fast forward a few million years, and the stakes aren’t so high. We can go to the shops when we're hungry and there are no sabre-toothed tigers hunting us down. So, it might not feel great if a few people think we’re stupid, but it doesn’t really matter.
But we still care.
In fact, our need for social acceptance remains one of our most powerful motivators. Maslow’s (1954) hierarchy of needs suggests that we need to feel love and belonging before we can appreciate our achievements. And, even then, our sense of achievement can be dependent on the respect of others. McClelland’s (1961) more nuanced model suggests that some people are motivated by a need for affiliation – to be liked and held in positive regard – over and above any other drivers.
Spotlight effect
Our preoccupation with others’ opinions of us can be exacerbated by the ‘spotlight effect‘. This is a common cognitive bias that causes us to believe that other people are paying more attention to us than they actually are.
For example, when we speak up in a meeting, it’s easy to assume that everyone is analysing our every sentence. But, in reality, they’re probably too busy contemplating their own contributions to notice more than the gist. So, when we ruminate over the time we went off on a tangent or suggested a solution that was shot down, and are convinced that our colleagues’ perceptions of us have been permanently shaped as a result, that could well be the ‘spotlight effect’ in action.
How can you stop a fear of judgement from holding you back?
1. Create your own jury
Often, clients are concerned about what ‘people’ will think. When I ask ‘who?’, they’re not sure. Given that we know significantly more people now than ever before, it simply isn’t feasible to care about what every single person thinks. So, ask yourself: who’s on your invisible jury that’s stopping you from doing what you want to do? And what right do they have to be there?
Rather than trying to please the masses, create your own jury. Whose opinion actually matters to you? It might be a close colleague, a respected peer, or a former boss. It might be your partner, your friends and some of your family. But it probably doesn’t need to include that ex-colleague who always gossiped in the kitchen.
Once you’ve chosen your jury, make a conscious effort to care about their opinions only. Visualise turning everyone else away at the door, if it helps.
2. Retune your search radar
Confirmation bias means we tend to see the evidence we’re expecting. If you’re presenting to a room full of people and you’re worried about being judged, you will naturally lock onto the one person in the room who looks grumpy. Cue sweaty palms, a racing heart and a narrowed field of vision. But if you expect a supportive crowd, you’ll start to notice all the nodding, smiling faces – and your performance will improve as a result.
So, notice what you’re telling yourself when you’re experiencing a heightened awareness of what other people might think. Choose a more positive expectation, and the evidence will start to emerge. Keep on doing this until it becomes second nature.
3. Be curious before you catastrophise
Humans are terrible mind readers, but that doesn’t stop us from trying to be clairvoyant. We interpret ambiguous clues with misguided certainty and own our assumptions as facts – even when they’re wrong.
Notice the assumptions you’re making. Yes, it’s possible that the grumpy-looking audience member thinks you’re a terrible presenter and wishes you’d go away. But it’s also possible that they’re grumpy-looking because they’ve just received a parking fine. Or had an argument with their partner. Or perhaps they’re just blessed with a naturally grumpy-looking face and they’re actually really enjoying your presentation. Either way, the chances are that your ‘they think I’m rubbish’ narrative is incorrect.
The reality is that we have no idea what people are thinking most of the time. So, instead of assuming the worst, keep an open mind and be curious about what else could be going on.
Control the way you care
It’s difficult to stop caring what other people think, and you don’t necessarily need to. Awareness of others is a lovely quality that shouldn’t be downplayed. Instead of caring less, be more selective about whose opinion you give weight to. Notice your assumptions and help yourself read situations more accurately - or surrender your need to read situations at all. By doing these things, you can liberate yourself from the fear of judgement that stops you from moving forwards.
If you'd like to feel more confident asserting yourself and taking action without worrying about what other people will think, get in touch for a conversation about how I might be able to help you.